I do not know why. But everything just ended today. The air went out of me. I do not know why. Why?
Actually, nothing special happened. It was an ordinary party. An ordinary evening, perhaps only slightly late (or early). I forgot my glasses, did not find my shirt. Hopefully I get them back. But maybe not. I do not know. No idea. (I know now though, that I left them at the party and I can pick them up this weekend).
But it was not what made the air went out of me. Maybe it was just a catalyst. Do not know if I can call it a normal low after a party either. But today I died, or the life that I previously lived.
Something in me knows that this day can never be undone. But in a few days, I might have forgotten all about it anyway.
Scarlett Johansson and Pete Yorn got to be with me today with the song Relator. Seriously good track. I lay in bed and wept. Filled up the bathtub with water and wept. The pain was complete. There was nowhere to go. I was a slave to the pain. It took me in totally. I cried. I cried and cursed myself because I could not cry harder, suffer a bit more. But I know it would not have made any difference. This pain I will live with the rest of my life. It will always be here. Yet, somehow something was not taken in completely by the pain.
I relax and feel my body. So tense. Muscle after muscle is taken in by my attention and I feel how tense I am. How tense I’ve been all my life. The only difference today is I am aware of it. Previously, I managed to distract myself so much that I have avoided seeing it. Today I suffer.
I cry inside and relax, cry and relax. I Feel calm. Tranquility of knowing that there is no way out.
I’ve been looking all my life. The frustration in my body just want one thing. Freedom. Emancipation. My existence is crying out for relaxation.
She has such a beautiful voice. So beautiful. I have to do my laundry.
In the middle of all the pain life never stops spinning. The world is there, but it’s like a fog. A phenomenon in a dream I can not escape from. I cry and have to do my laundry simultaneously. I suffer and update my facebook status.
7 minutes left until the machine is ready. Why can not washing machines count? It is 49 minutes, but it takes anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes before it stops. I sit on the stair and wait.
I want my neighbor to come down here now. I would tell her she is beautiful and attractive. She is. Sweet too for that matter. She would think I am weird. But it doesn’t matter. A day like this nothing matters, and then we can say that someone is beautiful and attractive. I don’t care. It is a strange freedom to live with.
I want to run this day, to escape this pain but to live with this freedom is wonderful.
I have tried to escape from my life to avoid having to feel this. From being with my suffering. Live my life with the pain in my throat. Everything I’ve done in my whole life has been an attempt to distract myself from this pain. All human’s lives has been an attempt to escape their pain.
The idea makes me joyous. Empathetic. Compassionate.
Everyone lives with the same pain, some are just better at hiding it for themselves. This day changed all that.
My neighbor is not coming down to the laundry room. I can’t tell her she is beautiful and attractive. Instead, I am thinking that I will do it. If she had come down here. She does not know what she has just missed.
But, my neighbor will not be down here. Whoever wrote the screenplay for this film missed that bit. Or so they thought that when we follow the protagonist Mathias things such as that will not happen. Not in this movie anyway.
We always want things to happen, but it doesn’t. Life is not a movie. Not even a slightly improved blog. We dream for things just like that to happen. For in dreams we can escape from the pain I feel right now. The total hopelessness that makes my tears stream down my cheek.
My journey. The journey that I so yearn for has the same purpose. A fugitive from now. Fleeing from time that always follows me closely.
I want to get away and come back as a changed man. I hope that a lot will happen during this time. But I know now. I can not escape from this pain. It follows me wherever I go. It is my me and my slave.
I know it. You can not escape. I must live with it all my life.
Why not talk about laundry? Why don’t I know what all of you are doing when you do your laundry. This activity despite pain and suffering, always shows up. You will not escape the fact that you must wash your clothes. Is it so obvious that we miss it entirely?
Whatever we do to escape it, we must still wash clothes. That’s how it works. Nothing to do about it. I may not be making out with my neighbor today. Maybe she already knows she is beautiful and attractive so she does not need to come down here and hear it from a madman who has lost his step?
You are all so many. So many that I love, who fills my life. My life is good. I have friends, enough money, a decent job. There is music. Joys. The pain I can live with. It is there all the time, I can not escape it. I can distract myself with all these joys, but in the end, I am alone. Alone with all of this and the suffering. It is there, it drives me and it has driven me all my life. I can not escape it. It was that which prompted me to search my whole life. For something else. And with something else I mean the medicine that will cure my emptiness. My pain.
I sound depressed. Maybe I am. But I know I’m no different than anyone else in this world. Everyone live with this emptiness. I have just had a hard time to ignore it. I see and feel it wherever I go in life. It is always there, and everything I’ve done has been an attempt to avoid this pain. But it doesn’t work anymore. The pain is there and it will not disappear. Not even death can take away this pain. Not even the end of my life will make a difference. I know it. I feel it in my soul. Death is no escape.
It is time to stop now. Be still. Let go. Control, stress and distraction can not make any difference. I have to live with this, and it’s useless to try to avoid it. I dream and hope that I can let go, but not even that is possible. I live in limbo, frustrated. Stuck in a trap. The head in the tiger’s mouth, waiting for the jaws to close. Hear my skull cracking when I slowly die.
Now I can just wait.
There is love in that.
