Monthly Archives: January 2009

The neverending journey

On the 10th of June this year, a close friend of mine, Wing Hodas, died. As a remembarance of him, I wish to publish here one of his poems, that though written by him, I can very much relate to.

Rest in peace.

the never ending journey

the never ending journey
from woman to woman
or man to man
searching for healing,
knowing it comes only from within,
but trying to break the aloneness,
sharing with another human.
can we find one as a refuge,
an anchor from which one can move out,
test the water,
then come back to safety?
can we be this for each other?
can we hold the vessel intact and trust
being careful not to shatter the fragile
piece of art that holds the nectar of love?

POST SCRIPT

and can we ever really find safety in
another person? people change, situations
change, what does not change?
we must continue to boldly
go where we have not gone before.
(in relationship i mean)
(where have i heard that statement before?)
to say this is easy, to live another thing.

Into the Wild

Sometime the last year I watched the movie Into the Wild, a really great movie that I guess no one can see untouched. I hadn’t thought about it for a long time when this last weekend my friend Johan had me listen to the soundtrack.
The Soundtrack was made by Eddie Vedder, the singer from the rock-band Pearl Jam and I can easily say that it is just wonderful. It takes me back to those exact moments in that movie that got my emotions rolling in all it’s wonder and sadness. Listening to the lyrics I also found that the songs stand on their own. They would still be great even if they weren’t made for a movie, and I guess that is why the themesong for the movie, Guaranteed, won an Oscar for best song for a movie.

I highly recommend both the movie and the soundtrack, this is just a taste of both:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWgxntibBtE

On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that’s me
So I can breathe…

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they’ll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes…

Don’t come closer or I’ll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you…

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I’m never what they thought
I’ve got my indignation, but I’m pure in all my thoughts
I’m alive…

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they’re singing with the dead
Overhead…

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed

A Hectic Weekend

This weekend has been hectic to say the least.

On friday we stayed at work and had some drinks after work. We were around 15 people or so, one of them being my friend J from Västerås. After a few hours we went to a place called K Karaoke close to Odenplan (10 minutes from the office) were we had booked a sound-proof room for two hours. It turned into three hours instead because it was so fun we didn’t want to leave.
After the three hours were up we got into cabs and went to a club on Söder, which is the south island part of Stockholm city. There we partied until three in the morning. Me and J were home at around 5 in the morning after som food and then slept in. The plan was for J to go home on Saturday but instead he stayed and we went down-town again, having a few beers until U met us up. She wasn’t really in the mood though, so she went to my place to sleep while me and J met up with the girl he is dating who happened to be in Stockholm with her friend.

They had, for some reason, gotten VIP guestpasses to a place called Ambassadeur. A club next to Stureplan which is the place where all the Jet-Set people hang out. We weren’t really up for going there, and I didn’t really think they would let me in, because I wasn’t really dressed properly for that kind of place. But the girls wanted to go there to see what kind of place it was, so we went there anyway.

When we got there, the VIP-queue was almost as long as the normal queue and the people in the line wore fancy expensive clothes not looking particularly interested in anyone but the image of themselves. I really didn’t want to go in and we didn’t want to stand in line so Johans date took a chance and said to the guard that we were on the guest list. The guard said that we had to line up in the VIP-queue (which we already knew). So we looked at eachother looking really disinterested and started walking away when the guard waved us back and let us in, before the nose of 200 people waiting :) ).
It’s just a game. If you don’t look desperate enough, they probably think that you are better than their place, and therefore you are the kind of people they want in there…

When we got in there was another queue to pay an entrance fee of 140kr ($20), but we said we didn’t want to pay and after the girl grunted a bit, another guard waved us through. It really is just a game.
When we got in, the place was half empty with music so loud my ears started to ache. Everyone looked extremely happy and successfull in a very strange way, so I am pretty sure that most of the people in there had done more cocaine than I could imagine. The champagne was flooding, the girls looked no older than 20 and had huge silicone breasts and myself I felt like alice in wonderland. We didn’t know what to do, so we just laughed and ten minutes later we were out of there, thinking that was enough of our social experiment…

J and me got home and slept late and then me, him and U went downtown again for breakfast. After getting back to life a bit, we saw J off at the train station around four.
We then stayed in the city for a few hours and then went to U’s parents for dinner. On the way back U started feeling ill and threw up. She has now passed out in bed and will stay home from work tomorrow.

It has in many ways been a great and interesting weekend, but I feel depleted. I am used to having a fairly regular way of life, and getting up really late, not eating breakfast until in the afternoon and always being on the move has made me really tired and restless, so I’m just taking it easy now, relaxing a bit before going to bed. I feel tired just writing what  happened this weekend! Pheww!

Morning Loneliness

When waking up this morning, I had a nagging feeling of loneliness in me. Not so much for myself I thought at first, but I then realized that my concerns for others was first and foremost a projection of my own feelings on to others. An act of classic psychological projection. One of the first things you learn in high school psychology.
Projection is when you project your own unconcious feelings on to other people, blaming them for things that you have no proof of.

Since just before christmas I have had quite a lot to do, and spending alot of time with family and friends and U, I haven’t had my ususal time to be on my own. I have gotten used to having people around me and although the holidays has been enjoyable and relaxing, getting back to every day life is different.
I have found myself yesterday and today to be restless and bored, looking around and ahead all the time for something to do and someone to talk to. It is strange, that when you are in the middle of it all, you long for some quiet and calm and when you finally get it, you get restless and bored.
It is the constant inner conflict of always wanting to be somewhere else than where you are.

I woke up with this feeling. Feeling lonely. When I sat down for morning meditation I could observe my mind trying to find some thought to play with, go over my plans for the coming week, thinking about work or something else that will make no difference to the outcome.
Suddenly I found myself quieting down, realizing the futility of these thoughts and I allowed myself to be lonely.
A sensation in my mind grew. I felt lonely but it was ok, and soon I felt this sensation to be a kind of a stillness, not knowing if I wanted to run from it or embrace it. I just sat there, in what might have been called loneliness, stillness or something else. Putting a label on it is useless. It was there, and despite feelings of wanting to run, I said to myself: Just sit.

I sat in this stillness for the remainder of my thirty minutes and then got up and went to work.

Back again.

I am now back to what feels to be a normal routine after the holidays, even if tomorrow is an holiday.

I spent Christmas at my parents house, many restfull days, which was just what the doctor ordered, and then when going back home, I started to feel a bit sick. On New Years Eve I got sick and was down for some days. Those two things are the reason I haven’t been too active for a while.

When you slow down for a while, you realize how active you were and what strain it has put on you, and coming home for christmas, even though it means the usual holiday stuff and also visiting relatives and all that, it was still very restful. That I got sick after that was perhaps not too strange. It seems a lot of people got sick or are sick at the moment. Anyway, you will probably hear from me a bit more now :)

Let’s see what 2009 will bring!!! :)