These Sundays has become a bit of a tradition for me, and it is packed with feelings going up, down and in all directions at the same time.
It seems that I can’t find anything interesting to do. Nothing appeals to me.
I have my entire life searched for that something that could take away my discomfort and make me satisfied. Complete. But for some reason, I no longer think I can find that something. Nothing in this world seem to satisfy. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy them, it’s just that I don’t think that there is something that can complete me.
I have looked all my life, and have always dreamed of finding it finally, and it has kept me going, kept me interested, but now suddenly, it’s all gone. Like an illusion that has been seen through. I don’t even think love can make me happy, and the consequence of all that is that I sit here right now with feelings of need, but with nothing to satisfy this need. I come up with new ideas of what I want to do, but when I’m about to do it, suddenly the want is gone. And I sit there trying to find it again. Instead of finding it though, I keep on doing things to make time pass. I click the refresh button on gmail to see if someone wants me something, but it is an awfully quiet Sunday today. I check all my regular websites even though I have already seen them two or three times today, knowing full well that there is nothing new on them. I am restless and bored stuck in a society were it is almost impossible to be bored, because there is so much to do, constantly. But still, I don’t find any of it interesting enough to grab hold of me.
If this is not depression, I don’t know what is. And unfortunately I don’t know what it is. I do not know what depression is. And I don’t even care about that. I can’t even interest myself in the subtle art of labelling myself today. Where is all the fun and game when you need it? I just want to be a bit distracted for a while. I can’t find anything to distract me either, yet my mind goes out in all directions at the same time trying to find that distraction.
I can’t find anything to fill this hole inside, and I start thinking that I will never find anything. Caesars sang “It’s not the fall that hurts, it’s when you hit the ground”, but I can’t seem to find the ground. I’m stuck in constant falling, and I know they are wrong, because it do hurt. It’s like going on a roller coaster, were you go from happiness to complete despair in 34 seconds. Not knowing if there is actually a brake on this thing, or if it is just going to climb to new heights after every fall. Continuously being thrown through eternity with no end in sight.
If there is nothing to search for, then this is the end. This is it. Nothing less, nothing more. I am the end, and at the beginning at the same time. Trying desperately to get away from it. Doesn’t really matter where, as long as they got ice-cream. I want to say go ahead, let’s just drop it, but I don’t know how, or even if there is anything to drop. I am confused, and saying that I like it would be a lie. They say that ignorance is bliss, and how lovely it might have been to be a bit ignorant, at least for a while, but I have a small feeling that it’s too late to go back now.
And from what I can see, there’s no ice-cream.
